Reminder for Myself: Thoughts on Self Love

I listened to a podcast not long ago called On Purpose by Jay Shetty. He interviewed actor Zachary Levi, who has become an advocate for mental health awareness since receiving therapy for his own issues. One of the main topics he expounds on frequently through this interview and on his own social media is the concept of self love. I admire that, but if I’m honest, I also have a problem  with it. For me, self love seems like step one on the road to narcissism, and I’ve been struggling to understand how one can love themselves but avoid becoming a prideful, narcissistic person, which anyone can agree, we need far fewer of those in the world.

Something changed on Friday, May 31st, coincidentally the end of Mental Health Awareness Month.

Love is a difficult concept. We throw the word around so much, it loses its meaning. Everybody wants to be loved, everyone wants somebody to love, love makes the world go ‘round, etc. Love songs on the radio make me depressed because I feel I don’t have anyone to love. Sure, I have friends and my mother, and I know that they love me, and I love them right back. But it would be nice to have someone be in love with me. There’s an old saying that pisses me off, you have to love yourself before others will love you. What happens if you’ve never loved yourself? Does loving yourself really make that much difference? There are people who have love in this world who don’t love themselves. Disney tells me that it doesn’t matter what I look like or what situation I’m in or how many dragons are surrounding my castle, true love will always find you. True love will see you how you are. True love makes you beautiful. So if you don’t have love, does that mean you’re not beautiful, inside or outside? If no one cares, why should I?

I realized when Zachary Levi says we are all worthy of love, I only ever understood that as an external love, love for me from somebody. On Friday, I realized that’s not the case. I’m worthy of my own love. It seems so simple. I’m not sure why it’s taken me so long to click.

So let’s start over. What is love and how can I show myself that love? Let’s look at the biblical definition of love. First Corinthians states that love is patient. That’s the first step, to be patient with myself. I have to re-learn a lot of behaviors that have become rooted in my brain over decades, and that will not happen overnight. When children are learning to walk or are potty training, we don’t punish them for falling or having an accident. We tell them it’s ok; that next time they’ll do better. They’ll get stronger and soon they will succeed. We treat them with patience because we know they are learning. If we are just learning to love ourselves, we need to treat ourselves the same.

Second, love is kind. This one is hard for me. I’ve had an entire life of negativity and negative internal dialogue that will need to be erased. I’ve allowed myself to give in a lot, thinking, so what if I eat this or don’t exercise. No one cares if you have that cupcake. It’s sort of turned me into a petulant child, a Veruca Salt. But spoiling a child is not kindness. Sometimes kindness is saying no or not now. While eating whatever and not exercising placates the id in our personality for the moment, when that moment is gone, there’s usually shame. It doesn’t mean that I have to give up everything, just to allow treats sparingly, as rewards. It’s the stick/carrot scenario. Allowing myself whatever I want whenever I want takes the specialness away. Then I let loose with the stick, punishing myself for giving in. By making the “carrot” something special again, and refraining from using the stick to beat myself up, I can begin to learn kindness.

Next in the verse, love is not envious. This one is especially hard in today’s society. Everywhere we look we’re surrounded by people who look better than us, who have more money than us, who appear to have their lives together. It seems like the whole point of advertising is to make you hate yourself for not being the “perfect” image that whatever brand is using to push their product. If we can stop the comparison game that the world is forcing us to play, the kindness and patience part might be easier. I am who I am. It’s not perfect. It isn’t beautiful. It’s me, though, and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean I can let myself go. Like I said above, that’s not kindness. It means I need to appreciate the potential of myself. If I limit my food and make myself exercise, I’m working toward what I could be. It’s not saying what I am is bad; it’s saying there’s better in me and, by putting in a little effort, that better me can maybe shine.

Part of being envious is not dishonoring others. If we love ourselves enough to stop comparing ourselves negatively to others, we also should also work to stop comparing ourselves to the detriment of others. For a while my mom was watching Hoarders and My 600 Pound Life every day. I asked her what she sees in shows like that, because I just find them depressing. She said it makes her feel better about herself, since she’s not that bad. Using others to bolster your self-esteem is not loving. It’s based in negativity and cruelty and that can not be love. I can’t place all the blame on my mother because I know I do the same. If we are going to stop judging ourselves, we need to stop judging others as well. Maybe having a gentler outer attitude will eventually work it’s way into being a gentler internal attitude.

The verse then says that love is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrong. I beat myself up on a constant basis, telling myself I’m stupid for making simple mistakes. I mean it only halfheartedly, but still, it’s not very loving. And I often dredge up silly mistakes or actions from childhood to beat myself over the head with. Forget those. Easier said than done, I know. They will come back, but I need to stop indulging them. Stop allowing them time and space in my life. Acknowledge them and let them go. Eventually the power those memories have will dwindle, and maybe the internal dialogue will begin to change.

The verse then says that love protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres. If I can stop being angry with myself, stop envying others, begin to be kind and patient with myself, I will want to protect the person that I’ve become. I will trust myself, continually hope for better for myself, and find the strength to push on when it takes a long time for that better me to get here. But I have to be careful of being overprotective. Back to the child scenario. Helicopter parenting can take the joy out of life. We want to fight for those we love, but if we fight every battle for them, they don’t learn to fight for themselves. Children can become fearful of trying anything because parents act like everything is a potential hazard. We have to let our loved ones experience negativity, but make sure it doesn’t envelop their lives. I will fail. Bad things will happen. I will try new things that don’t work out. People will be mean to me. It’s all going to happen, sometimes maybe at the same time. I have to learn to pick myself up and start over. I have to learn, sometimes, to pick my battles. Do I need to fight this, or can I just let it go? Is this even my battle to begin with?

Today I saw Rocketman. The central kernel of the story is Elton John’s desire to be loved, first by his parents, then by his partner. They all let him down. At the end there’s a poignant scene where adult Elton and the boy Reginald are face to face in therapy. The boy asks his adult self, “When are you going to hug me?” It’s a question many of us are asking. When am I going to hug me? When am I going to show myself the affection I deserve? Fuck the rest of them. They have their own shit to work out. Love yourself by showing yourself the kindness you show others. It may not bring you your soul mate. But hating myself hasn’t made me any better. Maybe it’s time to change.

I hope that I've finally begun to realize what Jay & Zac were talking about in that podcast. I hope my epiphany is what they meant to say. I'm going to struggle with this. There will be days when I'm swept under with negativity. I am writing this to remind myself of this day when everything seemed to click and the world seemed to have a bright, positive tomorrow. Hopefully it can remind others too.